Flight Plans

Attempted bomber Richard Reid's flaming footwear has once again stepped up the crackdown on objects that once seemed so innocent - shoes, belts, bracelets, artificial hips - and caused more long lines at security. Because I swear by carry-on luggage I have been working hard to keep my short temper in control. Sure I could check my stuff, but if you lost a few pairs of jeans that actually made you look slender you'd want to hold on tightly to those things that are most important. But like most people I've been grudgingly obedient. Then I had an epiphany. I was reading about a commercial pilot who was forced to remove his belt and shoes by a security screener. Was he a security risk? He was already getting to fly his own plane. He wondered how much confidence it instilled in the traveling public to see the captain disrobe. Sort of like seeing your fossilized 7th grade Algebra teacher in a Speedo at Zuma Beach. It's really unnerving until you grasp the actual entertainment value.

So, forget about Vegas - LAX is the happening place. The best strip show in town is as close as the main terminal security check. Don't let the long lines bore you. Crank up your Walkman to a little strip-tease ditty and watch as your fellow travelers take SOME of it off. For the more unusual looking folks have the Doors "People are Strange" readily available. People pay good money for a show like this. While I've yet to see any passengers do the "Full Monty," the way some people take off their shoes is positively shameful in its suggestiveness. Didn't someone once say 50% of sexual attraction is what is left up to the imagination?

I don't just like to watch, I participate. I've now acquired a specialized wardrobe. At first, I wanted to cut down on my security line waiting time so I wore flip-flops. Not only did I stub my toes a million times on those luggage wagons, but also my tootsies were freezing. I've replaced those with very suggestive knee-high lace-up boots just for traveling. My unlacing technique is positively sizzling. Gypsy Rose Lee eat your heart out. And I pray for secondary screening. Oh baby! pass that wicked wand over my extremities. It's the most excitement you can legally get at LAX. The problem is the woman with the wand is usually a no-nonsense former East German shot putter type. Why can't I have the cute guy over there do it? And I positively palpitate during a special bag check. Not because I want anyone to rifle through my undergarments, but because those screeners do a much better job of packing than I do.

I have also mellowed out about the issue of seat assignment. A couple of years ago, a "scientific" study found that male passengers almost always hogged the armrest from female fliers. I knew first hand. I'd spent hours battling with armrest imperialists. Before September, up until take off, I'd hop-scotch around the plane for a better seat selection. I didn't spend that much effort on seating arrangements at my wedding. (I should have. I sat the mothers together.. there's less tension on the India-Pakistan border.) Now, after the heroic efforts of the burly boys who held down and tied up the attempted shoe bomber - I wanna be sitting next to a big guy. So, my new flight plan of action is to get to the gate early and hand out the Stephanie Becker Seat Evaluation Test.

1. Do you need to keep your tray in the upright and locked position because of your rippling quadriceps musculature?
2. Do you know how to tie knots with belts and headphone cords? (Windsor knots excluded)
3. Are you now, or have you ever been a professional ball player? A professional or amateur boxer? A Greco-Roman wrestler? Or able to finish an entire Tae-Bo tape without hitting pause?
4. Are you willing to fork over your bag of complimentary peanuts?

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com