Mass_Distractions

Larry Summers is still feeling the heat from some rather inflammatory remarks about women. Summers, the President of Harvard University opined that women might not have the right stuff when it comes to math and science and that’s why men dominate the fields. What he didn’t count on was a lot of angry women who disagree with him. Women in Math and Science. And English. And Business. And Art. At first I found myself siding with these brainy broads of academia who see all women and men as equals. Normally, so blatant an offense would send my feminist meter off the charts. Unfortunately, I resemble his remark.

Finally I know where my place is in this big wide world. I am a member of the “Lost Out” Generation. I thank our President George W Bush for my epiphany. In pitching his social security reform he kindly reassured those 55-and-overs not to worry because their benefits would be secure. Then he promised the Generation Xers and Yers and I guess this century’s Zers that privatization would add up to big bucks for their golden years. That leaves people like me, sandwiched between these two groups, out of the money. We are too young for the AARP and too old to know any Google gazillionaires. We couldn’t even cash out our 401Ks before they dwindled to 201Ks.

Imagine washing your DVD player’s mouth out with soap. That’s what you get in RCA’s latest technological breakthrough. It’s a DVD player programmed to edit out offensive material. The player is loaded with software manufactured by the company ClearPlay. Not to be confused with Clear Channel which is the radio behemoth and Howard Stern archenemy. ClearPlay is based in Salt Lake City where - perhaps not so coincidentally - all addresses are based on the distance from the Mormon Church. I’m not saying things are pretty squeaky clean there -- but vanilla is the number one ice cream flavor and the risque fringe go for the multi-colored sprinkles. Read more

It’s an automotive break-through that gives a whole new meaning to that 60s television show “My Mother, the Car.” Volvo has unveiled a car designed by women for women - a first in the male dominated business. It’s a smart move for the Swedish company. More than half its customers are babes, chicks, dames, skirts and soccer moms. The car is being hailed as “eminently sensible.” Sensible is good if you’re a Swede running around in clogs watching dour movies during dismal winters. But, we are a nation of women in uncomfortable but sexy shoes, dressed in jeans that are breath-constrictingly fashionable while wearing ridiculously fitting undergarments that have pushed the FCC’s definition of decency. I wonder if Volvo’s kind of girl power is going to fuel sales.Read more

Barbie’s giving Jo-Lo and Brittany Spears a run for their money. The cultural icon of my generation (who’s technically old enough to be Brittany’s Mom, or at least her grandpa’s trophy wife) seems to be having a bit of a mid-life crisis and jumping from man to man. Back in February there was the news flash that shocked the Barbie world. Barbie (like Cher and Madonna no last name needed) was dumping Ken, her boyfriend of 43 years. Perhaps after 4 decades of being a Bridesmaid Barbie and never a Bridal Barbie she was tired of waiting for the “Commitment Ken” doll. She never got to hear those special words: “Marry me and start an action figure family!” The split must have been a devastating blow for a guy whose sole reason for being was to accessorize Barbie. No word yet if famed divorce lawyer Raoul Felder has been called in. (TV microphone sold separate) Left unsolved - who gets custody of those Barbie cars and Barbie dream houses.Read more

It's one small step for man. One giant leap for the Super Shuttle. Not the NASA one - the creaky passenger van that eventually picks you up at the airport. The brave new world is coming and it's commercialism in space. The first line has been breached. Last week pilot Mike Melvill blasted off 62 miles straight up aboard his SpaceShipOne from the Mojave Desert into the edge of outer space. It was the first privately funded flight out of our atmosphere. The visionaries are hoping that someday we'll all be hitching an atmospheric ride. And if those Super Shuttle vans have anything to do with it we'll all have to orbit the earth three times and everyone will be dropped off before I get to go home. Read more

It seems that the state of Texas has gotten itself into a bit of a pickle over the french fry. A judge in the Lone Star State ruled that the much maligned, nutritionally sketchy and deliciously additive frozen french fry is a fresh vegetable. That's right, those two inches of batter encrusted frozen tuber are legally protected organic foodstuffs just like broccoli, kale and cauliflower. Only the fries taste good. Read more

New York City has a new terrorism task force that's defending both democracy and dry cleaning. Newly drafted - the city's army of doormen. These sentinels of service are now getting anti-terrorism training from New York's Police Academy. They already have a long history of uniformed duty. As a former New Yorker who's doled out thousands of dollars in tips, I know first hand their professional mastery of cunning (most notably the fine art of surreptitious service until the lucrative holiday bonus season.) Armed only with a daily newspaper and a portable TV they're out there defying the elements while hailing cabs, confiscating contraband take-out menus from delivery boys, holding elevators with just a single hand and giving Jerry Orbach critical leads on potential suspects. Read more

Finally, some good news is making the headlines. JPL says the X-43A is A-OK. For the acronym impaired that means that NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s hypersonic combustion ramjet successfully completed its mission. Like I know what THAT means. For us analog types here’s the translation: an unmanned very high-tech plane flew at a record breaking 5000 miles per hour. Your standard 747 lumbers across the country at about 1/10th that speed, giving you plenty of time to see J-Lo’s next bad movie.Read more

In the heat of a good argument my mother’s favorite retort is, “I wish I had a quarter for every time you said (fill in the blank). If I’m losing I usually slam down a couple of quarters, which is a move that I come to regret on laundry day. Now the reconstituted TV icon Donald Trump is taking a cue from my Mom. He’s filing papers to trademark his TV show’s famous last words “You’re fired!” The Donald (a name coined by his first ex-wife who didn’t trademark it) hopes to convince the folks who dole out the little trademarks that this commonest of phrases is so quintessentially him that he should own it. Read more