Mass_Distractions

To paraphrase Cuba Gooding Jr., show me the scandal. As a junkie of political intrigue the “leaking” controversy swirling inside the Washington beltway just hasn’t grabbed me. I know it’s a bad bad thing that someone out-ed a CIA operative (who then did a photo shoot for Vanity Fair). But, even those in the know haven’t given it the seal of approval by distinguishing it with a “–gate” label.

No justice, no peace. And I say amen to that… speaking solely as a reality show junkie. I’ve been going through withdrawal without my “Idol” and “Bachelor” and “Survivor.” So, thank you Sandra Day O’Connor for voting yourself off the island, I mean off the Supreme Court bench. I am sorry to see such a ground-breaking sistah stepping down. After all, she was the first justice to run an aerobics class. Whose gonna overrule her demand for eight more reverse mambo steps? But, she has given me hope for summer viewing.

My mother thinks Tom Cruise is acting like a clown. That may be a disservice to a rather well known jester who’s having a bit of his own midlife make-over. Ronald McDonald, the clown prince of fast food is whipping himself into shape, slimming down and toning up. It appears the host of the Happy Meal must have been upset about all the bad press recently, so it was time for some re-imaging. Now Ronnie’s juggling vegetables and sinking baskets with Yao Ming. Although Mr. McDonald’s new regimen does not seem include Mr. Cruise’s latest form of exercise – couch jumping like a maniac and verbally sparring with everyone carrying a microphone. And while the new and improved Ronnie McD is sporting a more form fitting outfit, Mr. Cruise’s wardrobe change calls for wearing a fashionable 26-year-old on his arm. It’s a toss up as to who looks more stylish; the junk food jester snowboarding in gigantic red saddle shoes or our one-time Top Gun destroying his previously super-sized Mr. Cool demeanor?

It may be one small step for Adidas but it would be one gigantic leap for my wallet. That’s if I splurge on the German sportswear manufacturer’s new ‘Adidas 1’ running shoes. At $250 they’re too pricey to be called sneakers. That’s right. $250 – a new world record. It was front page news last week. After all it is the first “smart shoe.” (Okay, second if you count Agent 99’s shoe-phone). This sole enhancement device is equipped with a tiny microprocessor that instantly gauges the runner’s pace and weight versus the terrain. Then it automatically adjusts the shoe’s cushioning, making 5 million calculations per second. For that kind of money the shoe should tie itself. Unfortunately, that’s not even offered as an upgrade option.

Talk about your case of cold-hearted cold feet. I’m referring to that run-away bride Jennifer Wilbanks. She’s the woman from Georgia who secretly high-tailed it out of town just days before her mega-wedding. Her disappearance was long enough for the media to start salivating at the thought that her fiancé was the next Scott Peterson. Although the jilted groom, John Mason, showed no signs of nefarious behavior, having neither dyed his hair nor called on the services of a famed defense attorney.

I've been starving for a good old fashion food fight. I miss the days when meat was on the hook for its high cholesterol and cyclamates was a legal substance and Red Dye #2 was number #1 in my refreshing beverage. Well, now we've got a whole new brew-ha-ha. The Centers for Disease Control has egg on its face after confessing that it was a little on the fat side when it came to the official death toll from obesity. Last year it figured about 400,000 people died from being overweight. New calculations scaled down that number to 25,814. Lethal flab went from the nation's number 2 preventable killer to number 7. Talk about your weight loss.

Here is the ugly truth. Beautiful people tend to make more money and get better promotions and have more power than the rest of us. As one boss used to say to me in a rather dismissive manner, “that’s stating the obvious with a sense of discovery.” Or as my nephew might say: DUH. But, now it’s a scientific fact. That is if you consider economics is a science. In this month’s edition of that blockbuster magazine “The Regional Economist” two employees of the St. Louis branch of the Federal Reserve Bank analyzed previously reported data on height, weight, appearance and wages. What they found is that looking good pays off handsomely.

It’s always good to know that justice has been served. Now a Federal Court has left food manufacturer J.M. Smucker Company in a jam. It started as a food fight over a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Smucker’s wanted to preserve and protect its patent on a very special PB&J combo.

Apparently you can get away with murder, but not cheating on your wife. At least that’s what it seemed like to some people this past week. Actor Robert Blake was found not guilty of killing his wife. The jury didn’t buy the testimony of two stuntmen who claimed Blake asked them to whack his wacky wife. Jurors let Blake walk partly because there was no smoking gun… something like the evidence a character on one of those C.S.I. TV show’s might find. To do that the real police would have wrapped up the case 38 minutes after the crime.

Oh for the days of yore when the most annoying telephonic incident was a teenager inquiring about the well being of Prince Albert in a can. That was then. What is now is that the queen of the simple life, heiress-cum-celebrity Paris Hilton has become the poster child for the evils of our instantly wired world.