Study Group

As a connoisseur of collegiate cramming collectives, I know why the Iraq Study Group’s final report is getting the bum’s rush from some of its most important readers. Who could take seriously the findings of a ‘study group’ that has so clearly ignored the time honored traditions of such esteemed organizations? Where was the pizza, the beer, open packets of NoDoz, half consumed cups of cold coffee, bleary-eyed members with tempers frayed and hair doing that Don King thing? No, instead we’re supposed to believe that this acclaimed group of bicker-free bi-partisan seniors were wide-eyed, primly pressed at a heretofore unknown study group hour of 7AM to turn over their findings to the professor, I mean the President.

As a study group groupie from years past (Calculus 101 and remarkably Calculus 201; Genetics 301 and something called Weighty and Gloomy Russian Literature with hard names to remember) the only semblance between this recent team and conventional klatches was the mere fact that one member got the boot for sucking up to the big guy. Even then it wasn’t right. Republican member Robert Gates basically dissed the professor and got promoted. Oh the humanities!

On the day the Study Group squad was trooping around on their press junket (alas it didn’t include Oprah, if only one of them had consulted Paris, Hilton, not the government of France) I was dismayed to discover I needed a little lesson plan of my own.

Our Department of Homeland Security is beefing up its test to become a naturalized United States citizen, with a test of 144 proposed questions, up from 100. Studying for it is supposed to familiarize prospective nationals with our nation’s “shared identity”. Those taking it will only be asked ten of the questions and only have to get six answers correct. That’s a forty percent failure rate -- just about the U.S. divorce rate, a statistic that’s more about our “shared identity” as Americans than having two questions that ask for the President’s name.

Maybe they need to be asking some more contemporarily relevant questions. And yes, it is important to know the father of our country. And it is important to name your Senator and Representative. But it’s just as culturally relevant to know the scandalous behaviors that cause one to resign in disgrace (or for name clearing)? For that, I’d award a bonus point. The new test also asks what day you have to file your taxes. Curiously, not included among the answer is “unless you’re Wesley Snipes.”

Embarrassingly, I confess I fell short on identifying the nation’s longest river and tallest mountain. But, perhaps for that more culturally common focus, might I suggest more critical alternatives? Like naming the annually top rated TV show – Superbowl. Or identifying three of the four big TV networks. That’s way more culturally significant than knowing Mount McKinley is the highest peak. It may be tall, but it doesn’t even have cable access.

The test also asks for 2 of the 10 national holidays. I say bonus points if you can name the one that harkens in the best sales and how it is some always land on a Monday. I wonder how the father of our country feels about that.

Of course it would be very nice for new citizens to know the Supreme Court has nine Justices. But if we’re focusing on that cultural thang, maybe an alternative query would be to name two of the three judges on American Idol. Extra credit if you leave out the one who’s not an American.

As a born and bred American, I hang my head in shame because I couldn’t list the 12 Cabinet positions. But, I can get five of the seven dwarves and three of the four Baldwin brothers. I forgot the one who allegedly (a good legally significant word) stole a car. I also couldn’t remember who follows the Vice President in order of succession; although I know it’s not Al Haig.

I am with those who fear the danger if newcomers can not name our rights and responsibilities as citizens. (Voting, jury duty, taxes, not necessarily in that order) Or that the first true Americans were members of about a dozen major Native American tribes and that the major issue in the Civil War was slavery and that Martin Luther King Jr. and Susan B Anthony were great Americans. And I also know that if I had to take the test, Jim Baker has set a fine example of how a study group can function without stale pizza and cold coffee.

by Stephanie Becker