Miscalculating the SAT's

It's just like that time honored "the dog ate my homework" excuse. The College Testing Board confessed to what generations of nervous students have done themselves. It screwed up on the SAT's. Apparently Pearson Educational Measurement, the company that scans the answer sheets, erroneously graded a whole bunch. Some were off by 100 points, others 200 points. But, Pearson defends itself by noting; out of almost half a million tests only 4000 were affected. That's 8/10th of a percent, according to the SAT people. Maybe they could use that as an extra credit question next year.

If 0.8% of tests are incorrectly graded, calculate how many students lose out on scholarships to:

A. Harvard
B. Stanford
C. The School of Hard Knocks

If the company knew something was wrong, they didn't say until two kids blew the whistle. No doubt the SAT people will treat these youngsters to an all expense paid trip to their "safety" school as a reward.

After a careful analysis Pearson blamed the glitch on the test paper. It appears that answers disappeared when the paper got wet. So... defective testing paper that absorbs humidity during rainy east coast weather and obliterates answers is to failed scanning machines AS the discovery of weapons of mass destruction is to the Bush Administration. If only the White House could make some of its troubles evaporate so easily.

Unfortunately some of those affected will actually have their scores watered down, so to speak. It has to do with the fact that if you don't answer a question, you don't lose points. However, you do lose points if you put down a wrong answer. Making it especially lucky to have incorrect answers vanish. But, I wonder where that leaves that all important kindergarten life lesson: "Little Johnny, you have to try! The worst that can happen is you'll be wrong." Yeah and then lose 100 points on the SAT, not get into UCLA, end up at some school in the frozen upper reaches of Canada, spending the rest of your life in long underwear, ice fishing for food while trudging around the permafrost wearing Mukluks, instead of wearing Pink Uggs, Dolce and Gabana sunglasses, sporting a fabulous tan while interning at Dreamworks. It boils down to this analogy: UCLA is to anyplace arctic AS George Clooney is to any other male on earth.

I know what it's like to have a low SAT score on your permanent record. I ended up at one of those frigid schools. I had hoped to be hit by lightning and miraculously nail that SAT perfect score of 800. Now there's a bothersome number. Shouldn't a perfect score be something like a 10? 100? 1000? Is this some sort of Dewey Decimal System gone mad? It makes me suspect the College Board had a hand in the new Olympic figure skating scoring system. This could be part of the test next year: Explain the following formula (please factor in all bribes to the French judge): A triumphant triple Lutz times a bungled toe-loop divided by a powder blue spandex outfit with sequin faux flame dolman sleeves equals a 4th place finish.

It may be no surprise that a growing number of colleges no longer rely on the SATs as an arbiter of admission. The only silver lining is for the majority of students who paid $41.50 to take that October 2005 test. Since the testing board isn't revealing who got the mistaken marks anyone can claim their scores were actually higher. Although I am living proof there is life, a good life, after a 520 (verbal) 480 (math.) Quite frankly, I think the whole test isn't worth the paper it's printed on.