Stomping Out Terrorism

Monty Python’s “Ministry of Silly Walks” wasn’t so far fetched. The Pentagon now wants to identify terrorists by the way they walk. That’s right, we’re going to stomp out terrorism one step at a time. I guess they’re taking a big leap by figuring if you walk the walk, you probably talk the talk. The folks at Georgia Tech say they’ve got this cool device that can size up the bad guys by their stride. Sure, I’ve seen enough cowboy movies to know that the bad guys always have that demonic swagger. Although in real life the bad guys are shuffling along in leg shackles doing that “perp walk” thing.

Funding for this scheme is coming from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, better known as DARPA. Some might say it sounds like it’s right out of James Bond. To me, DARPA sounds more like the noise that emanates from my kishkas after I’ve eaten chili. Not exactly a name that instills confidence. By the way, DARPA is run by Admiral John Poindexter. You might remember him from the Iran-Contra scandal back during the Reagan Administration. That’s when we were negotiating to release American hostages with Iran (a current “axis of evil” nation) by bringing them birthday cakes. I guess that the ‘let them eat cake’ doctrine is a little hard to swallow these days.

The ‘gait identifier’ gizmo is the brainchild of Georgia Tech professor Gene Greneker. He’s spent about a million bucks aiming a 1-foot square radar dish at 100 volunteers to record how they amble around campus. By the way, Georgia Tech is ranked one of the nation’s top schools in industrial technology. I’d be more comforted if I hadn’t found on Georgia Tech’s safety website a warning to students that when walking across a street to “look both ways” and “use crosswalks.” I wonder if their cafeteria site reminds them to chew food before swallowing?

The device itself doesn’t exactly sound like one small step for anti-terrorism, or one giant leap for security. The way it works is a radar beam is aimed at the walker, the beam bounces back and detects frequency shifts that are reflected off the legs and arms and torso. That info is then analyzed for “gait signatures.” Dr. Greneker says that every one of us has a distinct walk, sort of like a full body fingerprint. Here’s how the gait keepers would probably describe my walk (in my snuggly fitting Nine West brown pumps.) “Subject walks like a duck, with a slight “Soviet-Army-May-Day-Parade” leg extension finished off with a heel inflection in the fourth metatarsal.” It’ll bet you anything that these guys are just a bunch of frustrated wine experts. A little fruity with a bitter aftertaste.

The so-far unnamed device is said to be 80-95 percent effective and can be stationed as far as 600 feet from a sinister pedestrian. It can work through fog, darkness and even a heavy robe. Like Superman x-ray vision. In practical terms Dr. Greneker says the technology could be used to warn embassy guards if someone looks like they’re loaded down with a 25-pound bomb in a backpack. If this were true I’d probably get arrested every time I trudged out of COSTCO with my 25-pound economy bag of carrots.

Anticipating the obvious, Dr. Greneker defended his system noting that “a woman switching from flats to high heels probably wouldn’t change her signature significantly. But if she switched to combat boots that might have a difference.” Find me a terrorist in high heels. Find me any woman who doesn’t have a full compliment of heel heights. In my closet, better known as the shoe farm, I probably have about 60 pairs in a stunningly wide variety of inclines. Slipping on my Ecco Clogs versus my Nike Airs versus my Jimmy Choo’s gives me a distinctively different saunter. If I’m wearing clogs I’m enjoying that Scandinavia heel-toe-heel-toe feel, and every once in a while even stopping to yodel. In my Nikes, I’m hoofing in a hurry, kind of a cross between Flo Jo and Groucho Marx. And in my Jimmy Choo’s. Well, let’s put it this way. These are sitting shoes. These are not shoes made for walking. With each strike of stiletto on cement I’m in exquisite agony. My Jimmy Choo’s demand that I sashay rather than walk like a normal person. And I pay the price the next day with assorted blisters dappling my feet. Which gives me yet another whole new manner of walk. But, damn my feet looked sexy.

And is there a plan for some sort of “step curve?” Will the gait keepers devise a new type of slide rule to take into account blisters, bunions, corns, fractures, hang nails, sprains, strains, stubbed toes and other forms of temporary tootsie trouble? And will evil doers who think trouble is afoot, hot foot it to the podiatrist to have their bunions sawed off or disguise their walk by just wearing shoes that are too tight? And what about those of us who have come to rely on shoe inserts? Will buying Dr. Scholl’s take on a clandestine appearance? Will we need authorization from Homeland Security? Will someone’s rancid odor eaters cause a terror alert for biological attack? There are just too many variables.

I’m all for new and exciting ways to get the bad guys. But “gait signatures” and robe busting radar all sound like a shoo-in for a Dubious Achievement Award. Which of course would have to be presented by none other than John Cleese, Monty Python’s greatest of all silly walkers. Unless, he’s busy with the Spanish Inquisition because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com