Put the Phone Down and Your Hands Up

It is the ultimate in cell phone multi-tasking. A woman in Virginia, identified by police as 19 year old Candice Rose Martinez, has been robbing neighborhood banks, all while talking on her cell phone. I'm pretty certain this is not what the financial institutions had in mind when they urged us to abandon the bank lines for bank by phone-lines. Perhaps that is what drove her to her life of felonious withdrawals. Who can't empathize with the transition from mild manner bank customer to phone fem fatale? I know when I "Press one to hold, press two to hold longer, press three just so you have something to do" I will, no doubt, end up listening to 34 encores of a sappy pan flute and strings version of 'Yesterday.' What it should really be is a few renditions of "Tomorrow, Tomorrow."

Why armed with a cell phone? Is Candice just a typical teenager with cellphone attachment disorder? Some suggest she's talking to a look-out. I think it's just another example of the rudeness and lack of civilized communication in our society. When did people think it was okay to give attention to something NOT the task at hand? Like robbing a bank? Or driving? Or a date? Or using the toilet? What can not wait until you have safely flushed? Sadly, I have to confess that I have answered the plaintive wail of my ringer (a disco beat so offensive that I know it's my phone) while in-stalled. It's very hard to pretend you are not just exactly where the caller thinks you are. "No, of course not, I'm at NASA headquarters testing out the new anti-gravity vacuum capsule."

At least Candy has the courtesy not to blab in her "outside voice." I am absolutely appalled by the astonishing amount of personal details revealed by high decibel discussions. I used to sneak peeks at the offender but now I give a dead-on look to scope out what kind of person would chat about their financial, sexual, cinematic, child rearing and carb-free proclivities within audible range of people who should not be able to answer, 'can you hear me now?' I don't want to know the intimate details of the latest thing pulled by your boyfriend, trainer, gardener, neighbor, car detailer or stock broker. Well, maybe your broker. So, please do use your outside voice if it's insider trading information.

Candy's been overhead quietly saying "Uh, huh, Okay." One academic who studies bank robbers has the sense that she's listening to someone who is encouraging her, maybe her Mom. Clearly the expert is dead wrong. If it was her mother she'd be a lot snippier. "Don't tell me how to rob banks Mom. Maybe when you were growing up they put stockings over their faces. I'll call you later, I'm busy" That'd be more like it.

With all the buzz, soon we'll be seeing the "ripped from the headlines" crime show version. Marlee Matlin's a shoe- in for the Law and Order: Lip Reader show about the cop who cracks the case. In that episode, incensed customers armed only with their telephones simultaneously dial 9-1-1, creating an "all circuits are busy" scenario - thus triggering panic as the bad gal loses her signal and her nerve.

In this age of criminal escalation, we need to be concerned if copy cats start using hands free models or beaming demands by personal digital assistant. No doubt when she finally gets nabbed police will give her a quarter to make her one phone call. I'm sure some defense lawyer will try and connect her with some psychological hang-up like "cellphone detachment disorder." But, I'm sure ultimately she'll be sentenced to millions of minutes roaming the confines of a federal prison.

By Stephanie Becker