Protecting Prince Albert

Oh for the days of yore when the most annoying telephonic incident was a teenager inquiring about the well being of Prince Albert in a can. That was then. What is now is that the queen of the simple life, heiress-cum-celebrity Paris Hilton has become the poster child for the evils of our instantly wired world.

As you may have heard Miss Hilton's Sidekick got hacked. No... her little dog-lette Tinkerbell was not carved into bite sized pieces. Instead her T-mobile uber-phone known as the Sidekick was broken into and its data inundated the internet... phone numbers, photos and emails.

I feel her pain. I once thought I'd lost my phone. Turns out it was just buried at the bottom of my handbag under a half eaten bag of stale Cheetohs. I shuddered to think that my phone numbers might fall into the clutches of cadres of Stephanie stalkers. And what if all my fuzzy photos of my nephew shoving food in unlikely places ended up splashed all over the World Wide Web? Sacre blu!

Fortunately, the very ordinariness of my dull life is what will probably keep me from such hacker harm. I doubt anyone really wants to contact my dry cleaner or the plumber who snakes my septic tank or Seymour my accountant. It doesn't seem worth the felony conviction to steal numbers from a woman who uses Muskrat Love as a ring tone.

While Miss Hilton's not quite an A-lister she had a star-studded phone directory stored on her cell -- ranging from family feud star Lindsay Lohan to Vin Diesel to tennis's beautiful loser Anna Kournikova -- suddenly all available on-line. Gosh, who wouldn't want to ring up "singer" Ashlee Simpson? "Hello, Ashlee, what's the best lip color for lip syncing?" There were also plenty of names I'm way too old to recognize.

I was hoping Paris had Condi Rice's number so I could get fashion tips on her new Catwoman-black-leather-boots-diplomatic-Dominatrix look. No such luck. But Paris did have the number to one Josh Eisner. He was so besieged with calls (probably Hollywood wannabes who thought it was the Michael Eisner President of Disney) that his parents had to disconnect their service. Sorry, the number you have called has been temporarily posted for 2 billion people. Please try your call later.

Paris also had a topless photo of herself on her Sidekick. What? Like she doesn't she know what she looks like? I don"t think anyone has taken a topless photo of me since I was a 4-month-old being bathed in a bucket in the kitchen sink. And her emails reveal an astonishing aversion to spelling. Apparently she was traveling to "jermeny." One reporter suggests that's probably near frants, Paris.

Paris isn't alone as a victim of digital villains. A few months ago some U.S. Secret Service agents took a hit. They swear that no state secrets were compromised.. like where Dick Cheney's new clandestine duck hunting blind is or the whereabouts of the weapons of mass destruction. An arrest has been made, but not in time to save the latest target of this diabolical cyber crime.

A three minute home video of the amorous antics between Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst and a girlfriend was stolen from his computer link and spread across the web. Shamefully, I must confess I took a peek. It was only for a teeny tiny second. Not long enough to know if he is a Limp Bizkit, however I do believe I've racked up about $2-million in FCC fines.

Like any good American, Mr. Durst is suing the perpetrators to the tune of $80 million. I wish him luck, although it seems a little late since the damage has been done. The cat is long out of the bag. So for the rest of us; a valuable lesson. If you want your privacy, make like Prince Albert and keep it in the can.

By Stephanie Becker