I'd Vote for That!

I've got a proposition for California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. No more special elections. Days before Tuesday's special statewide election, facing almost certain defeat, the Governor said he would be back, with more initiatives, no matter what. If it keeps going this way, special is going to lose its special-ness if every time the Governor wants to change a posse of signature-for-hire collectors ends up descending on the Golden State. A "special" election needs to be extraordinary, like filling the vacancy of a dead legislator or one who gets indicted for cocaine possession or a recall.

Some have opined that the Governor would have had better luck employing reverse psychology and actually opposing the ballot measures he's backing. There is a certain amount of logic to that given his abysmal poll numbers. Although the vote includes weighty matters, a lighter touch may be in order for the future. What the Governor will need is an issue so popular that it would gain everyone's support. Unions and union busters. Movie stars and thespians. Advocates of intelligent design and those who say hammer toes and slipped discs and burst appendix prove it's not true.

To that end I'm starting a petition drive for a slam dunk special election. Here's what I'm advocating. Mandatory ice cream Friday's. Eating ice cream sure does make you feel good. And a happy populous will undoubtedly stop harping on the shortcomings of its government. Plus it freezes your tongue and keeps you from complaining. I fully anticipate objections from those forced to live a lactose free life. For them I'll include money earmarked for a Museum of Lactose Intolerance. And I'll promise its gift shoppe will sell a variety of dairy-free products, whether or not they have any discernable flavor.

I also plan to float a mandatory tax on anyone sneaking into the express check-out lane with 11 items instead of ten. It'll be like getting busted for doing 45 in a 25 MPH zone. Just to make sure there's no hanky panky there's a special exemption clause for 2-for-1 items and six packs of diet soda during the critical bikini dieting season. Offenders must pay the price for their moral and mathematical failures. Not only will it ensure domestic tranquility, but if my Trader Joe's is any indication, it will most certainly balance the states budget deficit.

Speaking of which, let's look at whose paying for this $50-million election. You. So, I'd like to launch a campaign for some new special circumstances for those who initiate special balloting. It'll go something like this "Whereas, if the proponent of said measure hears that giant sucking sound when they count up all ballots, said proponent must pony up all expenses incurred by the state." It's worth noting that the gross receipts for Schwarzenegger's movie 'Last Action Hero' added up to $50-million. Coincidence? Maybe. Or perhaps the Governor thought he was making 'Last Action Hero: Electoral Intent.' Let's just hope he doesn't think of making a sequel to this special election. Honestly, the original is usually enough.

By Stephanie Becker