Headliners and Legends

Apparently you can get away with murder, but not cheating on your wife. At least that’s what it seemed like to some people this past week. Actor Robert Blake was found not guilty of killing his wife. The jury didn’t buy the testimony of two stuntmen who claimed Blake asked them to whack his wacky wife. Jurors let Blake walk partly because there was no smoking gun… something like the evidence a character on one of those C.S.I. TV show’s might find. To do that the real police would have wrapped up the case 38 minutes after the crime.

Blake, the former TV detective Baretta, says he’s broke and needs an acting gig. Maybe he can reprise his role on C.S.I. He certainly can’t afford to join forces with that other notorious Los Angeles celebrity O.J. Simpson who’s looking for his ex-wife’s killer on the golf links down in Florida. When a reporter asked Mr. Blake who he thought was responsible for his wife’s untimely demise, he barked back, “Shut up.”

A day later retired baseball marvel Mark McGwire had a more obtusely polite way to send the same message at the Congressional hearings investigating steroid use. The august panel mostly threw him softballs. But when asked about his history of chemically enhanced play, the star slugger balked eight times. “I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to be positive about this subject.”

Forget about the steroid use, we now face a much more insidious consequence of Mr. McGwire’s remarks. Those with guilty consciences can follow his lead. “Who cares if I killed my neighbor, cheated on my wife and stole your car? That was in the past. I’m here to be positive.” Your honor, I rest my case.

Was Mr. McGwire playing foul because he wouldn’t give “no” for an answer? After all, Sammy Sosa denied steroid use in not one, but dos linguas. I say strap one of those annoying Martha Stewart ankle bracelets on McGwire. Gosh, look at him. The one time bulging bicepped baseman looks like he went on the Martha Stewart Prison Diet Plan. Give her five months and she took off the weight.

Did you get a look at the svelte new post-Big House Martha? She gives a whole new meaning to taking a bite out of crime. I guess the one ration of milk and all that horrifyingly wilted lettuce with protective slime helped to trim down her bulky body. Fortunately a quick peek in my fridge reveals that I have all the ingredients for the prison reduction plan. Especially the protective slime.

While Martha’s time in prison slimmed her waist line, it boosted her bottom line. Her stock more than doubled while she was incarcerated. Once again she’s a billionaire. Rather than career suicide, her imprisonment really paid off.

Cheating did not pay off for Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher. His career did a “crash and burn” after some intercepted e-mails confirmed he was having an extramarital affair with a female employee. He got the boot and his paramour resigned. I wonder what romantic e-mails consist of at Boeing?

Dear Sweetest Boeing Underling,

Love,
Your Darling Underling

It all just proves that even if you are the Big Cheese, Big Brother is always watching. Apparently Boeing’s couple of the year got ratted out by an anonymous tipster. The tipster is probably on everyone’s enemies list. There’s nothing like a juicy affair to whisper about and now it’s over. A recent survey found that a third of employees find office dalliances “fun to watch.” I don’t know. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates met his wife Melinda at work. He may be the world’s richest man, but I’ll bet their courtship was about as exciting to watch as downloading Microsoft Service Pac2 patches.

Some reports downplayed the egregiousness of le affaire d’Boeing since the woman didn’t work directly under the chairman, so to speak. He’s the CEO. Who doesn’t work under him? The janitorial staff?

Despite his termination his golden parachute is way more than I’ll make in a lifetime or two. Mr. Philanderer reportedly keeps his $700,000 a year pension and another $100 million in stock. Although I predict an enormous chunk of that will be a great comfort to the soon to be ex-Mrs. Stonecipher. Revenge can be murder. Just make sure its Robert Blake’s stuntmen friends who are talking about it.