Fear Factor Pill

Some day the most traumatic events in your life could register nothing more than a blip on the emotional Richter scale. A Boston researcher says he's on to something that could spell relief for tens of millions who suffer from the debilitating effects of psychological shock after a crime or an accident. Dr. Glenn Saxe, a psychiatrist in Boston discovered that a drug commonly used to fight high blood pressure can decrease the memory of a traumatic event. Surviving a bank robbery could be as alarming as the horror of some obnoxious person cutting in front of you at the checkout line. Living through an accident could cause as much heartache as re-gifting a birthday present to the person who gave it to you. And let me tell when it?s your mother the consequences are severe.

The scientists say the drug works by minimizing bad flashbacks in an area of the brain called the Amygdala. That's the brain's 'fear center.' If you're scared and get sweaty palms, clenched teeth, and are frozen with fear, blame your Amygdala. I'm pretty sure Amy G Dala was also the name of my trigonometry teacher in tenth grade. Which makes sense because both Amy G Dala and amygdala cause those same symptoms. Except in math class I also suffered from an inability to do long division. And still do. Can't they make a medicine to make you better at math?

The scientific name for the de-trauma pill the doctors are studying is Popranolol. A 44-year-old woman from Boston is their test case. She's survived several car accidents. After the most recent one, doctors prescribed popranolol to help her get over the nervousness she?d had after her previous collisions. Now she's back behind the wheel unaffected by fear. Calling all cars! They didn't say how many 'previous' collisions she had. She may be calm now, but I'm really worried - that she'll crash into me.

Researchers are worried (but not traumatized) about something else: a lack of funding for further research. Since popranolol is no longer patented, anyone can make it. Ironically, that's why no drug company wants to invest in further study. Everyone wants something new and improved; no one wants old and recycled. It's a bitter pill for the researchers. But, a full dose of capitalism could get them on the road to recovery.

Not that they need my advice, but here's how they could make some money. Naming rights. For example, dozens of companies have shelled out a total of more than $3 billion to buy the rights to have their name on a stadium. Researchers should do the same and auction off the rights to re-name the medication. Like Enron Field in Houston. Okay, bad example. More like, Adelphia Stadium in Tennessee (oops, the owner and his sons under indictment) or St. Louis' TWA Stadium (oh, grounded by bankruptcy) or MCI/WorldCom Center in.. in.. in.. deep trouble with the Feds. Maybe they should sell the naming right to the penalty boxes instead?

On second thought maybe that's a bad idea. Maybe if they just gave it a better name. Unless you're Mom Ranolol, Popranolol isn't very appealing. They need something catchy like Celebrex or Viagra or Rogaine. Those are cool names. And cost some cool cash -- as much as half a million dollars to come up with a name like Zoloft or Nexium or Ardvarmax. Okay, I made up that last one. It took me a long time too. Funny, all those medication names just seem like the result of a monkey pounding out letters on a keyboard with Vanna White magnanimously tossing in a few vowels for free. But it's not so easy. And, the American Medical Association has rules too. For instance, the name can't indicate what it does. For instance, the manufacturer had this hair-growing drug they wanted to name Regain. They had to change it to Rogaine. So, if you came up with a new allergy medicine you probably couldn't call it Snotnot.

They could go the Prince way. You know, the Drug-Formerly-Known-as-Popranolol. Prince's nom-de-nada didn't hurt his career at all, and got him plenty of extra celebrity, not to be confused with Celebrex, which of course has nothing to do with celebration or celebrity, because those are the rules. So, while I suggest 'ForgetITex' or perhaps its New York translation, 'Fuhgettaboutit' to replace popranolol, under the AMA I'd have to forget about using that too.

So, I wish the doctors the best of luck in their search for money. In this time of high anxiety at home I want to commend them for helping people in need. But one more suggestion, I ask them to think about me - and come up with a 'lite' version for folks like me -- a gigantic percent of the population. People like me who have been schooled in the fine art of turning mountains out of molehills. Those of us who grossly exaggerate even a stubbed toe (I think I broke it, we need to amputate STAT!) People like me, who live to turn spilled milk into a toxic waste spill that would make Erin Brockovich strap on her pink spandex. People like me who live by the credo - to complain is to live. There are millions of us for whom the smallest blip in their daily causes untold hours of annoyance. A little something for us would make us so happy.. so happy.. we'll all be miserable.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com