Barbie’s Boy Toy

Barbie’s giving Jo-Lo and Brittany Spears a run for their money. The cultural icon of my generation (who’s technically old enough to be Brittany’s Mom, or at least her grandpa’s trophy wife) seems to be having a bit of a mid-life crisis and jumping from man to man. Back in February there was the news flash that shocked the Barbie world. Barbie (like Cher and Madonna no last name needed) was dumping Ken, her boyfriend of 43 years. Perhaps after 4 decades of being a Bridesmaid Barbie and never a Bridal Barbie she was tired of waiting for the “Commitment Ken” doll. She never got to hear those special words: “Marry me and start an action figure family!” The split must have been a devastating blow for a guy whose sole reason for being was to accessorize Barbie. No word yet if famed divorce lawyer Raoul Felder has been called in. (TV microphone sold separate) Left unsolved - who gets custody of those Barbie cars and Barbie dream houses.

The Barbie break-up was part of an on-going Barbie metamorphosis. Just as the world’s most recognizable doll was hitting middle age her manufacturer, Mattel, was suffering a bit of a Barbie bust. Sales were down. Mattel decided to make Barbie more relevant. So, while most women of Barbie’s age are sucking and tucking, our gal was getting a little extra plastic around the hips -- and even got a breast reduction. Which means she's a bit off from her previous human equivalent of 48-19-32. Was it Mattel’s way of more accurately reflecting the expectations of Barbie-buying Mommies? Yeah, if Elizabeth Hurley is your momma. Before long Barbie suddenly got a belly button. Actually it’s more indentation than innie. Then came the split with Ken. Maybe Barbie’s having a little peri-menopausal meltdown.

Now Barbie’s got a new beau - Blaine. An Aussie surfer dude. Down at my local toy emporium there are a few in stock. Next month is when rebound Blaine is supposed to officially come out -- a term that I think is highly appropriate. Blaine, with his wavy blonde locks, bronzed body and stylin’ board shorts is a FINE looking metrosexual. He’ll never need Queer Eye advice. Barbie, honey... girlfriend to girlfriend, Blaine looks like he’d be way more into Ken than you. As if that wasn’t enough. The back of the Blaine box has a photo of Blaine hanging with Barbie and her gal pals while they’re shopping for bathing suits. Need I say more? Okay. His favorite color is black. Maybe that just makes him a New Yorker.

Mattel says that 2 million girls logged onto the Barbie website to help choose a new boyfriend. Talk about your on-line dating overkill. But I wanted first hand reaction. So there I was hanging out at the Barbie aisle trying to ignore the cacophony of migraine-inducing kiddie music, fake fire engine sirens and whiney kids. I was hoping to query young consumers about Barbie’s new admirer. The only person who gave me a second look and then a third, fourth and fifth was this one fat guy trolling around with an empty cart. I pegged him for a child molester. Nope, plain-clothes security. After 45 minutes he demanded to know if I was gonna buy Blaine or steal him. I said I was hoping to date him. Toy store cop didn’t even crack a smile. I split the difference. I bought the doll but got a gift receipt so I can return Blaine after writing this piece.

The Barbie overhaul seems to be working out for Mattel. Sales now top $3.6 billion annually having tripled in the last five years. I’ll bet Barbie’s pretty happy too. What 45-year-old wouldn’t be with a new belly button, a shapelier chest and a boy toy like Blaine? If not to date, at the very least to go shopping.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com