An Army of Doormen to the Rescue

New York City has a new terrorism task force that's defending both democracy and dry cleaning. Newly drafted - the city's army of doormen. These sentinels of service are now getting anti-terrorism training from New York's Police Academy. They already have a long history of uniformed duty. As a former New Yorker who's doled out thousands of dollars in tips, I know first hand their professional mastery of cunning (most notably the fine art of surreptitious service until the lucrative holiday bonus season.) Armed only with a daily newspaper and a portable TV they're out there defying the elements while hailing cabs, confiscating contraband take-out menus from delivery boys, holding elevators with just a single hand and giving Jerry Orbach critical leads on potential suspects.

Not surprisingly, the police course is short, only 4 hours. These guys (and some gals) have already perfected the most critical skill - that hiding-in-plain-site kind of surveillance. For instance, I never thought they'd notice my illegal sublet. Then faster than a Marion Jones steroid use denial, the landlord was on my case, doubling my rent. (Talk about a crime.) In another building - the Fat Tony (versus Bald Tony) achieved the rank of doorman double agent. First, ratting me out to my mother ("She's not eating her veggies - only take-out Chinese dumplings! She's going out with wet hair in the freezing cold! She came home with a biker dude last night!) While also giving me the heads up about Mom's impending arrival so I could stash any recreational substances or repulsive boyfriends. These guys knew more about my life than I did.

The doormen are being schooled in identifying suspicious behaviors. Okay, this is New York my friends, exactly what constitutes suspicious behavior? Seems they're supposed to be on the look out for people moving into buildings with no furniture or cars parked near buildings for a long time. First of all, with the price of a one bedroom apartment averaging a million bucks, who can afford furniture? And in the land alternate side of the street parking (with 8 million cars and 2 million spaces) where parking tactics are more fluid than our Iraq exit strategy - spending half the day double parked just to park for half a day is no big deal. I actually read an entire Salman Rushdie book waiting for a space.

All 28,000 building staffers will also get lessons in how to contain biological or chemical poisons. Frankly, the Tonys will make fabulous first responders in a biological attack having built up some sort of super immunity against just about every rancid substance on earth. Containing deadly contaminants can't be any worse than hauling out what New Yorkers already toss in the trash.

I predict an overload on police once the building battalions get into gear. "Hello, 911, ah, this is the doorman at 646 East 46th Street. There's some strange activity here. The man in 2B is having his shirts laundered with heavy starch, instead of folded, no starch. And the anorexic in 14D is ordering in a Cheeseburger Deluxe with a fudge sundae and extra nuts! And apartment 12H has the smell of bacon, and they're vegans. I think you guys should get here stat!"

As a transplanted New Yorker living in Los Angeles, I get a tinge of jealousy when I hear of some exciting new Big Apple program. So, I'm suggesting that our Police Chief, William Bratton follow their lead. Soon we'll have all our gardeners, and pool men, and valet parkers on the alert for our own brand of odd behavior. "Hello, ah, police. This is the Gardner at --- Sunset, the lady here wants us to replace her grass with pebbles, she wants the pool drained, and she told a valet he can change the car radio to any station he wants. We think she's a terrorist..or moving to New York."

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com