Processed Food for Thought

It seems that the state of Texas has gotten itself into a bit of a pickle over the french fry. A judge in the Lone Star State ruled that the much maligned, nutritionally sketchy and deliciously additive frozen french fry is a fresh vegetable. That's right, those two inches of batter encrusted frozen tuber are legally protected organic foodstuffs just like broccoli, kale and cauliflower. Only the fries taste good.

Perhaps the decision came as a homage to President Reagan during the patriotic fervor sweeping the country after his death. You may remember the 1980s food fight that erupted when Mr. Reagan's budget director David Stockman labeled ketchup as a vegetable in an effort to take a bite out of the school lunch budget. (Even the Teflon president knew it wouldn't stick and the idea was tabled.) Or maybe the Texas Judge is a lapsed Atkins-ite and this was part of a carbo-depleted backlash - sort of a 'bite me' to the protein-saturated crowd.

You can't really blame the Judge. He was just upholding an expert opinion from (echo chamber please) The United States Department of Agriculture. It classified the frozen french fry dipped in batter as a veggie. Exactly what is on the menu at the cafeteria over at the USDA? I'll bet their food pyramid looks suspiciously like a flabby trapezoid. Do they consider chewy Milk Dud's a fulfillment of the dairy requirement? Do jellybeans qualify as a legume? Would a box of chocolate covered cherries suffice for a full day's fruit component? Can a caramel-covered apple a day keep the doctor away (and a dentist in late model Mercedes)?

It's the second time the french fry has become a political hot potato. Remember when the French joined up with the coalition of the unwilling when it came to Iraq? Lots of boiling mad lawmakers demanded that the fresh vegetable previously known as the french fry, be renamed the Freedom Fry. Once they simmered down, the name remained the same. Probably a good thing, since next to the cigarette, some scientists say the fry is the closest thing to a digestible cancer stick.

While the USDA's decision might seem hard to swallow - except to kids fulfilling a promise to eat their veggies - the department claims it had no choice. It was merely following the rule laid down in 1930 (way before the advent of Red Dye #2 or MSG) that stated either a food is fresh or is processed. Since a frozen fry is not processed, by the process of elimination it is fresh. As our most recent ex-President, said so succinctly under oath - "It all depends on what is, is." Even those who don't purchase his 35 pound memoir already knew his is was in fact, is.

So, is you is or is you ain't a veggie? It appears the key ingredient in the decision was the Frozen Potato Product Institute. They're a lobby group that works hard to protect and defend the reputation of the 48 pounds of frozen French fries every American snarfs down annually. Now I know in this election year everyone's against the special interest groups, but in this instance, I'm all with the french frying guys at the Institute. Now if they can only get the Twinkie named an actual food product.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com