Flu by Night Operation

Is this what it feels like to be a junkie frantic for a fix? I'm edgy and desperate. I'm contemplating lying to my doctor. I'm scheming to steal from my 16-month-old nephew. And oh, how I wish I had paid more attention in college. Not to my professors, but to my boyfriend's uncanny skill at acquiring a potpourri of illegal substances despite the threat of federal incarceration. If only. Then I wouldn't be infected with this epidemic of worry about not having a jolt of A/Fujian.

That's right. I'm one of the tens of millions without the wherewithal to get a flu shot. I am devoid of fragile heath, lacking the proper connections and unexpectedly too young and too old to qualify for this year's medical equivalent of the Furbie frenzy.

If we were rating this debacle of medical prophylaxis, Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge would be giving it a code Scarlet (as in fever). Alas, many of our leaders in Congress don't seem all that personally concerned. Along with perks such as haircuts and parking spaces, members of Congress qualified for the viral vaccine. The Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, a doctor no less, gave his blessing to inoculating his fellow legislators. If this were the Titanic I've no doubt that many members of our fine deliberative body would be waving goodbye from the lifeboats to the women and children on deck. After all, they are at incredible risk from kissing infectious babies and shaking germy constituents hands. It's enough to make a voter hope that the Supreme Court could decide everything from President to Water Commissioner.

As for those in greatest need. I'm taking my cue from Chicago Bulls basketball player Eric Piatkowski. His greatest defensive move this season may be his rationalization for receiving his shot in the arm. "We absolutely need them.. we're going in and out of cold and warm climates." Here's a 34-year-old professional athlete whose most notable moment was being fined for egregiously breaking uniform rules by wearing shorts that were too long. Gosh, he surely needs the protection afforded to 85-year-old Great Grandma's and baby's still waiting for the ability to chew bananas. Consider his high standing as the greatest guardsman ever. For the Los Angeles Clippers. They won, what, 3 games last season? He was traded to the Bulls where it much much colder than Los Angeles. They should let him have big boy shorts again.

Faced with a Code Scarlet situation, as a stop gap measure the federal government is hustling up 2 million doses of "Flu Mist." It's a nasal spray made from the weakened flu strain. Sounds suspiciously like the suggestion that duct tape would protect us from the ravages of biological weaponry. But, in the great Republican tradition, I'm not going to wait for the government to solve the problem. In .17 seconds Google hooked me into 189,000 sites with home flu remedies.

Here's what I've learned about protecting yourself from the havoc wrecked by influenza. Eat dry toast and bananas. Put three drops of peroxide in the ear (unless it's punctured) Take Vitamin C. Lubricate your nose. Get a Mommy to rub Vicks Vapor Rub on your chest. Gargle with sage tea. Drink Linden flower tea with 2 drops of lemon balm and thyme which will produce an unusually pungent sweat. One hour after sweating change your clothing and sheets. Drink honey with a ¼ teaspoon of cinnamon powder in boiling water with cumin seeds 12-times a day. Or just call in sick and watch cable tv. Either that will make you sicker or induce a miraculous recovery.

by Stephanie Becker