Alternative Uses for Fruitcake

No one ever got fat off of fruitcake. That is a fact. Fruitcake is one of those indestructible things that even a nuclear fallout won't touch. Only fruitcake and cockroaches can make that claim. All that candied fruit, nuts and brandy or whatever flammable liquid one soaks them in, could easily be used commercially to detonate condemned buildings or sold for billions of dollars to NASA to fuel rockets. Whoever thought up fruitcake, anyway? You practically have to take out a loan from the bank to be able to afford all the ingredients to make one and then you need to take time off of work to make it- like you could afford to do it now that you bought all the stuff!

How would I know this, hater of fruitcake that I am? My mother made them. Remember her? The one who likes coffee whitener in her coffee? My mom was a follower of "I am woman hear me roar" Helen Reddy. Oh sure, she'd gripe about her lot in life and the oppression of being a woman, but come Christmas, she was elbowing the little old ladies out of the way in the grocery store to get herself a stash of artificially colored candied fruits.

It was a long, arduous process making this confounded recipe-one that is still to this day, shrouded in maternal mystery. One that required a lot of muttering and deciphering of a recipe obviously passed down before the ballpoint pen was invented. One that required a trip to the liquor store.

But at last the creation was done-fruitcake to be proud of. Fruitcake to be fed to the dog under the table and hidden in napkins and dumped in the trash when no one was looking. And fruitcake to be given as gifts, as relieved luck would have it.

I will say that there are those who do like their hideous fruitcakes--who, like my mother, have muttered over their own ancestoral favorite recipe for years. They are rare, albeit they do exist. But if you are like me, an avowed hater of fruitcake, what do you do with the wretched thing after the holidays are over and you have taken down the tree--it's semi-final resting place?

Party411.com, an event-planning Web site, has come up with some suggestions so you don't have to eat a bite or feel guilty about leaving it in a landfill to decompose for the next 100 years:

• Trivet - Self-explanatory.
• Centerpiece - Put on the table center atop a bed of pinecones, holly and evergreen branches.
• Guest Towel Holder - Place two fruitcakes side by side. Insert popsicle sticks to hold your favorite guest towels. Decoupage them if you feel up to it.
• Knife Rest. Cut the fruitcake into rectangles and put one at each place at the dinner table. Your guests will marvel at your creativity.
• Place Card Holder. Cut the fruitcake into rectangles and make a small groove in the top to hold your card. Coat with polyurethane so you can use year after year.
• Holiday Door Knocker. Super-glue a hinge to the fruitcake bottom and use removable double stick tape to attach the back of the hinge to your door.
• Punch Hole Ring. Freeze your fruitcake in a block of ice and throw it in your punch bowl for an unusual, yet attractive garnish.

Some friends offered some other uses:

• A creative doorstop.
• A fire starter for the really-doused-with-rum ones.
• Contract with the local Mafia to use fruitcakes instead of concrete overshoes.
• Need a white elephant gift? (another self-explanatory item)
• Attach fruitcake to the other end of a teeter-totter so your child can use the equipment by himself.
• Try Galileo's gravity/acceleration experiment using different brands of fruitcake. (science teachers: take note)

I had a few ideas myself:

• Roofing material. Having just invested in a partial re-do of a roof, I see no difference in materials.
• Paper weight. I know it's big, but you haven't seen what is on my desk.
• Dumbbells. Who needs a gym membership when two fruitcakes work just as well?
• Centerpiece. I know Party411 came up with that already, but why just make a centerpiece for the Christmas holidays? If you polyurethane it, you could keep changing the decor on it-like hearts for Valentines, flags for the 4th of July…you get the picture.
• Building material. Thinking of putting an addition on the house? It wouldn't be too difficult to get a collection of them and get your addition for almost free. Put an ad in the classifieds saying you'll be happy to (literally) house homeless fruitcakes.

Take my word for it--I think that's it. I have spent far too long dwelling on post-holiday uses for fruitcakes. However, I recognize that someone may have come up with one or two we haven't thought of. Email me your suggestions--next year, the list will be even longer!

By Leanne Ely, C.N.C., Author of Healthy Foods