What 'IT' Is

So, "IT" is gonna revolutionize my life. Yeah, sure. Only if "IT" can make a zero calorie cheesecake with an actual taste, or a waterproof mascara that can last me through "Terms of Endearment" without looking like a raccoon. Otherwise "IT" is just another version of "New Coke" to me. And we all know how that fizzled. What is "IT"? Don't ask me. In fact, don't ask anyone. Unless you know Jeff Bezos or Steven Jobs or venture capitalist, John Doerr. These guys have seen "IT" and they are gushing. They say "IT" is going to rock our world. They say "IT" will change how we live. They say everyone will want "IT". Right. Have you looked at their stock prices lately? What do they know? They probably liked New Coke.
If you haven't heard about "IT", here's what we know. "IT" is a super-top-secret-double-dare cross-your-heart hope-to-have-a-California-rolling-black-out-power-surge-and-die invention. When word first leaked out about "IT", no one knew what to call "IT", so they just called it, "IT". Now, there's a revolutionary idea. No wonder why the new economy is just the old economy but with more frantic keyboard typing. By the way, do lots of "IT's" add up to "STUFF"? Anyway, "IT" is the brainchild of this guy Dean Kamen. He's the genius who invented a wheelchair that can climb stairs. Which, and I really mean this, is revolutionizing the lives of those who need Fred. Who's Fred? Fred's the name Kamen gave his wheelchair while he was working on it. You know, Fred as in Fred Astaire, the dancer who seemed to glide effortlessly through the air despite the laws of gravity. Now Kamen has given this latest invention the code name "Ginger." Remember her? She's the one who did everything Fred did, but backward. Which makes me wonder, has Kamen created some sort of backward machine? Wow! Even klutzy analog gals like me will be doing that Michael Jackson backward moon-walking thing with aplomb. And we'll get to eat cold spaghetti for breakfast and yogurt and cereal for dinner. How fun! Oh, I already do that. But it would be cool to go back in time and tell my ex-husband exactly what I think and my landlord and that guy who cut me off on the Long Island Expressway. Of course, he's traveling backward too, which is probably why he cut me off in the first place. So, by the time I travel back to get him, he'll be parked in the Twilight Zone, where there's never enough room to parallel park.

"IT" could be named after the herb ginger which makes great snaps and tiny little cookie houses. The ancients used ginger as a prophylactic. Not that kind. An intestinal prophylactic to prevent motion sickness. Hey, maybe "IT" is a roller-coaster that doesn't make you ralph.

More educated guessers are sticking with "IT" being some sort of transportation device. So "IT" could be like the transporter on Star Trek. That would be awesome. We'll all be wearing ill fitting spandex outfits intoning authoritatively: "Beam me up Scottie!" One minute I'd be at the office, and the next minute I'm a glittering bunch of swirling electrons zapping through space faster than a DSL connection. But, here's the worry. I live about 4 inches from the nearest DSL line and they can't seem to figure out how to get the installation team to my house within 2 days of my scheduled appointment. If they can't figure that out, am I gonna let them beam me to some "Survivor" Beach? I'd probably end up in the middle of a shoot out on a rerun of COPS.

Word of Ginger created more irrational exuberance than Alan Greenspan doing a Freddie Krueger on the prime rate. People were burning up Internet with all sorts of ideas about what "IT" could be. What was this greatest thing since Wonder sliced bread? Something that could save from the lifetime of loafing? Kamen himself finally had to throw some cold water (not fusion) on the whole thing, calling Ginger an "interesting project" but not "earth-shattering." Heck, I'd give him a Nobel Prize if "IT" was pantyhose that don't run.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com