The Best Stuff I Want

No one will ever mistake me for some hugely obsessive gadget gal. Some say I'm more the analog type. It's not that I'm anti-technology, it's more that I'm cheap. Why buy the newest and hottest gizmo when my old one can do half the stuff in twice the time? Like my 15-year-old Goldstar 13-inch TV. It gets most of the colors, and I like having to get up and change the channel with the dial that's kinda broken. I use pliers. I call it vintage cool. I spied a similar one in an antique store for about double what I paid for it brand new.
Lest you think that I'm a complete analog, I do dabble in the new. For instance, I'm writing this on Compaq Contura laptop, model 4/25 fully loaded with Windows 0.1 I also have a Betamax (although all I have to watch on it is the "Blue Lagoon" freebie videotape that came with it) an 8-track cassette deck, jammed (not jamming) with the Bay City Rollers Greatest Hit. No snickering. Have you checked the back of your garage for that old CB radio (breaker, breaker, I'm in the lime green Camaro) and that mesmerizing time-sucker, PONG (bink,bink,bink,bink,BONK? Remember, once all this was the best stuff. Well, in the tradition of Thomas Edison and his light bulb, George Washington Carver and his instant coffee and Edward Walker and the Lava Lamp and Al Gore and the Internet, I give you some of the best stuff I hope to be seeing on this site. Scientists, man your protractors!

ICY BLAST
Forget about Dennis Miller, this baby's gonna revolutionize Monday Night Football forever. It's a reverse microwave. You know after a hard day of surfing the web and hiding that fact from idiot bosses, all you really want is an icy cold brewski. Drat! All you have is a warm six pack stacked up next to the CB radio in the garage. Well, just slam it into ICY BLAST, set it on high and in 10 seconds flat you have one cold beer. Frosty mug attachment sold separate.

THE FRIDGE - ERATOR
Is your greatest fear opening up your refrigerator and wondering, what the heck happened to that leftover General Tso's Chicken you left in the second shelf in the fridge. Maybe you're nervous it might have turned into the Ebola virus of moldy foods? Save the science experiments for Mr. Wizard and never worry again what that hairy brown thing next to that green slimy stuff is, with the Fridge-ERATOR. This portable mechanical robot constantly trolls through your refrigerator even when the light isn't on calculating expiration dates along with a revolutionary mold and staleness meter. Then using the same technology that NASA used to lose the Mars Polar Lander, watch your gooey mess disappear. Never again fear what's lurking in the back of your fridge.

NIGHTSWEATS
Do you refuse to be a slave to your stair master? Mourning the loss of Phenfen? Need to lose a few pounds? Want to do it painlessly? Well, let's team up a bunch of obsessive compulsive aerobic instructors with a group of sadistic engineers to create NIGHTSWEATS. It's a contraption that's a cross between a hospital traction machine and a stationary bicycle. Here's how it would work. Before going to bed, you strap your feet into the NIGHTSWEATS special no-pain pedals. Then don the patented REM Reader eye-shades. Once your eye movements indicate a deep sleep, the pedals start rotating, Top speed 120 RPM. Lance Armstrong eat your heart out. Still to be worked out, how to keep users from getting up more tired than when they went to sleep, and those pesky nightmares about riding the Tour de France with no directions.

FORENSOCK
Here's a great idea I got from watching those crack forensic scientists who found the drop of blood on OJ Simpson's socks. Use that same chemical and fiber analysis to pair up the entire world's missing socks. I'd call it FORENSOCK. It would work like a sock bounty hunter and look like a little electronic crab, creeping through your sock draw, pairing up estranged partners, hunting down the missing mate, checking behind the sofa, under your bed, lodged between the headboard and wall, even inside the coffee maker. (Okay, so I sometimes forget to buy filters.)

STUN BRA
If they can figure out how to do this without killing someone, I'll never suit up for a blind date without it. The idea of the stun-bra works on the same principle as the stun-gun. Strategically placed wires in the brassiere cups and hooks emit a shocking electrical charge sending the provocative paramour into paroxysms of pain. The biggest design flaw that needs to be worked out is the unexpected shock from short-circuiting in the underwire model. Then again, maybe it's not such a design flaw.

PMS WARNING SYSTEM
Here's a must have for any guy coming into contact with me. The first is the PMS pocket warning system. It's cleverly camouflaged as a simple Palm Pilot. But inside the special writing implement is a special hormone measuring device that can detect high levels of estrogen at 30 feet. Men would never again make the grave error of stating the obvious with a sense of discovery, like: "Whatsa matter, you pre-menstrual or something?" or "You look a little bloated, you gain weight?" Once high PMS levels are detected, using the same pen, the user can the access such proper remarks as, "You're looking skinny!" or "You're right dear, that Christy Brinkley has back fat and is as ugly as a bull dog."

BOYFRIEND LO-JACK
Imbedded in a 24 carat cubic zirconia pinkie ring and tie clip "Sure they're real honey!" are two redundant GPS homing devices. So next time he says he's at his Mother's doing nothing in Nottoway, (37° latitude 78° longitude) you'll know something's up if he's really at 115° degrees latitude and 36° degree longitude, Las Vegas. And the only game he'll be playing is Truth or Consequences (33°latitude 107°) Then there's trouble in River City (39° latitude and 90° degree longitude.) Then he's gonna need:

INSTA-ALIBI
INSTA-alibi is another idea sprung from the OJ Simpson era of jurisimprudence. Remember when he said he didn't kill is wife because he was:

a. chipping golf balls

b. napping

c. packing

What he needed was something that would generate a believable alibi and one that would be simple to remember. He needed INSTA-alibi, a simple toll free phone in system that could be consulted quickly and without anyone noticing. Developers would need to round up the experts on fudging the truth. Folks like tobacco lobbyists, political consultants, my ex-husband and maybe a President of the United States for good measure. Have them brainstorm and come up with, oh say 976 of their favorite fabrications, half-truths and bald faced and white lies. Alibis should be divided into categories, like "Avoiding Mother" "Ignoring Ex's," "Never a Lender" (with subcategories, for power tools and sweaters). Here's how it should work. Someone phones; INSTA-Alibi quickly recognizes the number, pulls up several categories and in a couple of quick keystrokes I-A displays at least 5 different alibis. It even prints out a daily wallet-sized summary for quick reference. For instance, American Express calls.

Identifying the number INSTA-Alibi offers the following:

a. the check is in the mail

b. She was smuggled into Iran to climb the Elburz Mountains with a legless Sherpa.

c. No hablo English.

d. She died hideously in a freak electrolysis accident.

e. Not this Stephanie Becker, she's so cheap, for entertainment, she keeps rewatching her one betamax copy of "The Blue Lagoon".

Hope no one comes up with the Insta-Alibi descrambler.

Best Stuff's own Mass Distraction Stephanie Becker is an analog gal in a digital world--stating the obvious with a sense of discovery.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com