You’re Fired

In the heat of a good argument my mother’s favorite retort is, “I wish I had a quarter for every time you said (fill in the blank). If I’m losing I usually slam down a couple of quarters, which is a move that I come to regret on laundry day. Now the reconstituted TV icon Donald Trump is taking a cue from my Mom. He’s filing papers to trademark his TV show’s famous last words “You’re fired!” The Donald (a name coined by his first ex-wife who didn’t trademark it) hopes to convince the folks who dole out the little trademarks that this commonest of phrases is so quintessentially him that he should own it.

This could be good news for those teetering on the edge of unemployment. Bosses fearing a lawsuit may be hesitant to unload unnecessary employees with a legally protected phrase. Of course, there will be freebie alternatives like “Go away!” or “We aren’t going to pay you anymore!” or “Everyone who works here stand up -- not so fast Becker.” No doubt Republicans will be griping about choices like, “You’ve been downsized!” or “You’re being out-sourced.” But, nothing quite says ‘you’re fired,’ like ‘you’re fired.’

This trademark gig is a remarkable moneymaker. Take Michael Buffer. While you may not know the name of this announcer, you sure know the five words that make him about $50-million a year. “Let’s get ready to rumbaaaaaa!” Okay, the last word in the phrase is rumble, but I was afraid that if I wrote correctly I’d have to sell my Imclone stock to cover the legal costs. Anyone using that expression without his permission, POW! BAM! BOOM! here comes a lawsuit. At one time Buffer, who makes as much as $30,000 a pop just to utter his famous slogan in his famous announcer voice, had 100 lawsuits going.

So now I want in. I’m going to trademark some lines that have come to define my existence. I want protected status for the following phrases that have become my signature slogans: “Bite Me.” “I am NOT pre-menstrual!” and the ever popular “What the F*@% !?!” I know that last one probably threw you for a loop given this age of nipple ring revulsion and Howard Stern und drang. But why should the FCC be the only ones making money off the other PMS -- potty mouth syndrome? The FCC is making broadcasters put their money where their mouth is, charging $27,500 per obscenity. So, why shouldn’t I get a bite of that too?

As if Washington didn’t have enough to chew on by regulating what comes out of our mouths, Congress is doing a bit of regulating what goes in as well. Last week the top banana at Centers for Disease Control warned us to stop eating so much. She said we are in the midst of a nationwide plague of obesity that claims 500,000 lives a year. Just days later some fat cats took a stand that the CDC chief might find hard to swallow. Congress voted to keep our fast food industry safe for democracy, by passing a bill to ban super-sized class action suits against the fast food industry. I think our legislators may be ingesting too much special sauce. Time for a urine sample. The bill is called the Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Law. I call it “you are what you eat, live with it” legislation. And it’s supposed to keep those pesky lawsuits from clogging up the courts, forget about our arteries. I guess our legislators have no appetite to deal with some of the more weighty problems of the world, like war and terrorism and the astonishing price of gas. But, if this is the best they can do... all I can say (until it’ll cost me) is: You’re Fired.

by Stephanie Becker