Can everybody hear me now?

Maybe they should rename that ‘friends and family’ telephone plan to ‘friends and family and secret agents’ plan. That’s thanks to the National Security Agency which is tapping into about a gabillion domestic calls in an effort to seek out terrorists. As a result, every time I answer the phone I take a breath and ask: Can EVERYONE hear me now? It has to be overwhelming for this entirely new breed of first responders. So I feel it’s my patriotic duty to give them the 4-1-1 on my digits so they can save time and cross me off their listener list.

While the pundits are focusing on high brow stuff like the Constitution and privacy violations, I’m worrying about the poor schleps wading through a data stream that’s overflowing faster than a New Orleans levee. And next to alphabetizing credit card receipts, I can’t think of a more boring job. Hour after hour of potentially scary stuff like reminders to pick up a Prozac refill and milk and eggs and the kids (where did we drop them off?) and maybe some WMD’s (can’t seem to find them anywhere). I’m sure their ears perk up for the occasional libidinous flirtation between an estrus enhanced whisperer and a turbo-testosterone voice. After a while though, that must sound as thrilling as that teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Bueller… Bueller… Bueller.

It can’t be that easy to ferret out fishy phone calls. I’ve watched enough Soprano episodes to know that the bad guys use code. Although when Tony says, “Did you do dat thing?” it doesn’t take a DaVinci Code cracker to know ‘dat thing’ probably doesn’t involve something declared on a 1099 tax form. Coincidently Tony and I both use dat phrase. Although in my case, dat thing usually involves some grade school fundraising project for a product so infinitely impractical that purchasing dat thing is a crime in and of itself.

And trust me that Dick Wolf isn’t salivating over the potential entertainment value in all this. Don’t expect some spin off like Law & Order: Eavesdropping Unit: “In the criminal justice system the men and woman with headphone hair are the dedicated listeners…Kah Chung!” I’m sure they’re not sitting there adorned with BOSE noise reduction earpieces – after all this is government procurement – the same folks that couldn’t get it together to armor plate jeeps in Iraq. This snoop squad is probably wearing the equivalent of horn rimmed glasses held together with a paperclip and generic scotch tape.

I know they say they’re not eavesdropping but looking for peculiar patterns of information. Quick. Short. Staccato. Calls. The kind of calls I make to my Mom. “I’m home.” Click. “My boyfriend is not a jerk.” Click. “I’m not talking to you about my boyfriend.” Click. It’s hardly the type of diabolical communication that should peak the interest of Homeland Security. Just the interest of Dad, who’s always unsuccessfully trying to promote domestic tranquility. Hey, it’s in the Constitution.

May I suggest a way for the White House to connect with its naysayers? Get those data geeks to focus on something that millions of Americans would idolize them for… solving the greatest controversy of our time. Get them to nip a modern day conspiracy in the bud. Was American Idol loser Chris Daughtry robbed by a phone line glitch or what? They could put an end to the discord over his dismissal. Use that technology for good, not evil. Maybe then I could sing some White House praises.