That’s IT?

Now we know what “IT” is. For months speculation ran wild about the biggest technological secret since the Internet’s “401 Error.” Until Monday “IT” was a super-top-secret-double-dare-cross-your-heart-don’t-tell-the-Taliban brainchild of inventor Dean Kamen. Those in the know said it would revolutionize our lives. Kamen is the genius who invented a wheelchair that climbs stairs. Which can revolutionize the lives of those who need Fred. Who’s Fred? Fred’s the name Kamen gave the wheelchair while he was working on it. Named, of course, after Fred Astaire – the dancer who glides effortlessly through the air despite the laws of gravity. And until Monday’s unveiling, Kamen’s latest invention was code-named “Ginger.” Named, of course, for Ginger Rogers, the gal who did everything Fred did but backward. So, here I was the klutz of the world hoping that Kamen had created some sort of machine that could transform me into a grace swan.

Until Monday, about the only people who had seen IT were titans of the new economy. Guys like Jeff Bezos and Steven Jobs gushed about how IT would rock our world. Okay, anyone check their stock prices lately? Frankly, unless Kamen was making a zero calorie cheesecake with actual taste or waterproof mascara or a self cleaning kitchen floor, it would just be New Coke to me.

So, I’m sorry if I sound a little disappointed about the Segway (its official name) It’s a scooter. Although it looks more like a pogo stick with wheels. Its got gyroscope stabilizers to keep you from falling. And you can zip around town at a maximum speed of 12 miles per hour. Look out at CHP! For $3000 you can go about 180 miles on one charge of its battery. So, if you live in Battle Creek, Michigan you can go to Hell and back. I was kinda hoping it would be more like that Nimbus 2000 they use at Hogwarts. Or at least something like the transporter on Star Trek. That would have been awesome. We’d all be wearing ill fitting spandex outfits yelling with panicked authority “Beam me up Scottie!” One minute I’m at the office, the next minute I’m a glittering bunch of swirling electrons zapping through space faster than a DSL connection. Although I live about 4 inches from the nearest DSL hook up, so I’d probably be swirling in cyberspace forever. Is that a 401 Error?

I should stop being so analog and think big like the visionary inventor. Boasting to Time magazine, Kamen sees the Segway as a great replacement for the automobile on short hauls. I don’t know what he does when he’s tooling around town. But where am I supposed to put my groceries? And my dry-cleaning? And movie rentals? He might want to do a little research over in China, where I once saw a guy hauling a sofa on the back of his bicycle. He was going so slowly that I think people were actually sitting on it watching television. And what about bad weather? How the heck do you maneuver with an umbrella? And a cell phone? Is there a cup holder for my double foamy latte? If only he could come up with a way to refuel my coffee cup while driving, you know like the Air Force does on those long bombing runs. Now, that would change my life forever.

Actually, the Segway could jump-start the economy. If we are all going to be zooming around on scooters at warp speed everyone’s gonna need a helmet. And a hairdresser. Helmet hair will mean every day is a bad hair day. The Segway could also spawn a whole new customizing service as people trick out their scooters. I’m not talking about those pink plastic tassels fluttering off the handles. I’m talking like the low rider model with Stonehenge speakers. Maybe something with those monster wheels and fuzzy dice? And the sporting possibilities! Forget about rhythmic gymnastics with those ridiculous ribbons and hula-hoops. Stick ‘em on scooters and let’em rip! How about updated roller derby but on scooters. Slam, bam! Gosh, he’s right. IT is gonna revolutionize our lives. Now if he could only tackle the problem of world peace and pantyhose that don’t run.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com