My Mother the Car

It’s an automotive break-through that gives a whole new meaning to that 60s television show “My Mother, the Car.” Volvo has unveiled a car designed by women for women - a first in the male dominated business. It’s a smart move for the Swedish company. More than half its customers are babes, chicks, dames, skirts and soccer moms. The car is being hailed as “eminently sensible.” Sensible is good if you’re a Swede running around in clogs watching dour movies during dismal winters. But, we are a nation of women in uncomfortable but sexy shoes, dressed in jeans that are breath-constrictingly fashionable while wearing ridiculously fitting undergarments that have pushed the FCC’s definition of decency. I wonder if Volvo’s kind of girl power is going to fuel sales.

It’s called the YCC - Your Concept Car. YCC sounds too much like a gathering of goal oriented shiny happy people singing uplifting songs. Worse yet is if you pronounce YCC - Yuck. It reminds me of the Nova - which may have sounded celestial and inspiring in English, but in Spanish it means, “no go.” I think Volvo’s got a no-go name.

Before I get all Swedishly dour and dismal about the YCC there are definitely innovations I like. I wonder though, why just for a woman’s car? Wouldn’t a guy also want a car that calculates the trajectory for efficiently squeezing into a parallel parking space? Are the genders in such parallel universes that men don’t need such an asset? Honestly, it’s men who seem to be the ones that have the most difficulty with calculating lengths. However, I insist the male version should also add a device that stops to ask for directions when the driver is lost.

There are features I’m not so floored by. Take the interchangeable seat covers in a variety of colors and textures. I already have a hard time deciding what flavor shampoo to use in the morning, what shoes, how to properly accessorize, and what low-carb high-fiber cereal to gnaw. Now I have to decide what my car should wear? And while the body scanning system is amazing in the way it comfortably adjusts the seats, mirrors, steering wheel and pedals automatically, it’s based on height and weight. I have enough trouble with my body image. If I want to delude myself into thinking that my tonnage is being carried over a body 5 inches taller than I actually am, who is Volvo to burst my bubble?

I’m also getting very feminist about what’s under the hood. Basically nothing for us damsels that can get our hands dirty. Apparently Volvo believes that women only open the hood to fill window washer liquid. Now that’s next to the gas tank opening. The entire front end is sealed so only an official Volvo mechanic can open it. That irks me. Frankly nothing gets me more excited than a good spark plug change or a little fan belt tightening. That was until I met my local Volvo mechanic and Sven can open my hood anytime.

The YCC was designed in 2 years, significantly less time than normal. However the car is just a prototype and won’t be for sale. I bet if they added some of these features the YCC would sell faster than nipple rings at a Janet Jackson concert. For instance how about the “attitude adjustment rear view mirror” that makes objects appear slimmer than they actually are? Or the “Soccer Mom Fight Referee.” This system constantly monitors passengers under the age of 18 for “who started first” meting out punishment on a sliding scale that factors age differences, grades and previous infractions. And what about installing a “Parental Back Seat Driver” package for Mom’s with teenaged drivers? This guilt enhanced system issues a stern maternal warning with such basic programs as: “Are you watching the speed limit?” “No food in this car!” “Change lanes, the car in left lane is dirty and looks dangerous.” The super deluxe model would also carry these constant reminders “Didn’t I ask you to wash the car?” and the ever popular “If you’re going to use the car, don’t leave it on empty.” Now, that would be my mother the car.

by Stephanie Becker