2003 Hummer H2

Some weeks, you drive little non-descript sedans that defy inspiration. And some weeks, you drive a bright yellow Hummer H2 that elicits a veritable treasure trove of pithy remarks from everyone who encounters it: “This thing is bigger than my first house,” “I honestly thought you were one of those mini-school buses coming in here,” and my personal favorite from songwriter Marcus Hummon (whose wife, Rev. Becca Stevens, begged a ride around the block), “Gosh, you know you could invade Kentucky in this…” That was only the beginning.

The Good News
This is the first time Hummer has ventured from deep stream to mainstream. The H1, a barely civilized version of the military Hummer that costs in excess of $100,000, could hardly be called “mainstream.”

This H2 Wagon, however, borrows liberally from the GM gene pool and comes up with a vehicle that is not only far friendlier, but also costs less than half of the H1.

The H2 rests on the Chevy Tahoe/GMC Yukon chassis whose overhangs have been shaved to allow for much more treacherous off-roading. The engine is GM’s gargantuan 6.0-liter V-8 producing 316 horses at 5200 rpm and 360 lb-ft torque at 4,000. That’s mated to GM’s heavy-duty automatic. Towing capacity peaks at 7,000 pounds.

For all its stature and girth, the H2 accelerates with remarkable quickness and reacts much more nimbly than you would expect. The wide-track ride propped atop those big fat gnarly tires feels ultra-smooth and stable. It may look like heavy-duty machinery, but it behaves like a good-natured SUV.

That essence of GM continues into the cabin, once you scale 10 inches of ground clearance and a perch of a seat to get there. You’d swear you were in a Suburban if not for all the deliberately exposed bolts, industrial strength air conditioning vents and the fact you can’t reach the windshield. The message is “Yeah, I’m bad. Sort of.”

Seating holds six with a backseat that’s actually comfortable for those over 6 feet and one fold-down jump seat in the far back.

Outside, the H2 is a big ol’ square thing, taller and longer than the H1 but, thankfully, not as wide. It’s still wide enough – 81.2 inches to the H1’s 86.5 – and looking out over the H2’s blunt angles makes you feel like you’re driving a UPS truck. But, hey, the UPS drivers get used to it.

From its classic slotted Hummer grill in polished chrome, the hood slopes up dramatically to the tall square cabin, creating a decidedly futuristic, techno-hip look. My husband says it looks like the box a Ferrari might come in, a very cool observation. In paintball yellow, however, I felt less like a carton, more like a cartoon.

One burning question remains about this new Hummer 2, given its all its GMness: How much real, fearless, Arnold Schwarzenegger Hummer is left?

The answer to that is: Tons. With that ground clearance, skid plate protection underneath and the ability to tackle a 43.6-degree slope, this H2 is all Hummer. Granted, the H1’s 16 inches of ground clearance, 47.0-degree slope capabilities, etc. make it the granddaddy of them all. But the H2 goes where few other SUVs dare to tread and come back intact.

The H2 runs full-time four-wheel drive that can be switched electronically between a 40/60 front-rear torque split for operation with differential unlocked or a 50/50 split with differentials locked.

Then there are three different transfer case settings. Altogether, they give the driver optimum adaptability for the nastiest off-road challenges all the way to dry pavement. The H2 may not be invincible like the H1, but the comfort and everyday driveability tradeoffs are worth it.

The Bad News
Aside from having to witness all those disappointed little faces who step to the curb as you approach, thinking you’re their warm, dry ride to school (this is only a problem with yellow, however), here are the H2’s drawbacks, in no particular order.

• It gets 10 miles to the gallon city/13 highway. Happily, the tank holds 32 gallons so you’re not tethered to a gas pump. Unhappily, expect a personalized Christmas card from Exxon.
• It’s not the easiest vehicle to get into and out of, although steprails and strategically placed handles make it doable.
• Those gargantuan tires require a gargantuan spare that is mounted, of all places, in the rather moderate cargo area. Not only can you store very little back there for a vehicle this size (nothing, if you have a sixth passenger), half your rear visibility is blocked. There is an external mount available for the spare. Get it.
• Even though the H2 is not as wide as the H1, it’s still a big, honkin’ vehicle. If life takes you into tight places on a daily basis, you might want to reconsider.

Price
Manufacturer’s base, $48,800
Price as tested, $52,870

Is it worth it?
I love this H2. When you drive as many look-alike and wannabe SUVs as I do, a vehicle that dares to be this bold while retaining its integrity gets my attention.

Even though there were places I needed to go that I avoided because I didn’t want to try to park it and even though I struggled in and out with arms full of stuff and endured countless gaping stares from people who figured surely I must be part of some cross-country promotional tour for Mountain Dew, I still love this Hummer.

It’s a blast to sit way up there surrounded by all that metal, to be able to spot your vehicle anytime anywhere from literally blocks away, to astound boys everywhere just by driving past them and, most of all, to not look like anybody else on the road.

But beyond that, the Hummer H2 is SUV to the nth degree. It ‘s the H1 character in a vehicle that’s unapologetically accommodating and more affordable. Serious off-roaders will adore it, because of its go-absolutely-anywhere mentality and willingness to take a gang and gear along comfortably.

You know, knock off early Friday, round up some buddies and go invade Kentucky.

Beth Stein is a life-long car buff and free-lance journalist living in Nashville. She has reviewed new vehicles in print for 12 years as a weekly columnist for Nashville’s daily newspapers and on television for Road Test Magazine and Motor Trend Television. Currently, her reviews appear nationally on Car And Driver Television.