Directors Cut? How about Mommy’s Cut?

Imagine washing your DVD player’s mouth out with soap. That’s what you get in RCA’s latest technological breakthrough. It’s a DVD player programmed to edit out offensive material. The player is loaded with software manufactured by the company ClearPlay. Not to be confused with Clear Channel which is the radio behemoth and Howard Stern archenemy. ClearPlay is based in Salt Lake City where - perhaps not so coincidentally - all addresses are based on the distance from the Mormon Church. I’m not saying things are pretty squeaky clean there -- but vanilla is the number one ice cream flavor and the risque fringe go for the multi-colored sprinkles.

ClearPlay’s staff of screeners decide what the *&%! needs to be exorcised to make movies a wholesome experience. Viewers then have the option to chose any or all of 14 different categories of offense, everything from potty mouth language to vile vituperatives; from graphic violence to mild Stooges eye-pokes; from illicit drug use to all out nudity. Forget about director’s cut, now there’s Mommy’s cut. So, you can watch total annihilation in Terminator 3, but skip the Governator’s naked butt or catch “The Patriot” without those pesky scenes of our forefathers wiping out our current ‘coalition of the willing’ partner the British. Or sit back and relax with the Oscar winning Gladiator sans the violence. (That would make it, what, a 2-minute movie?)

Obviously directors are screaming holy $*&^ that their creative vision is being violated. Oh, please. Have they ever watched what happens when their precious cinematic opus is hacked into bite sized bits for a run at 3 PM on a Sunday afternoon cable station? After 15 minutes of commercials for the Thigh-erciser, Abdomin-alator, and Rotisserie-bot who can remember that Suzanne Somers is actually not in the movie? And wanna bet that Steven Speilberg has never, not once, not a single time in his entire life hit the fast forward button on his remote control during the boring parts. (Note to Mr. Spielberg: I loved every second of 1941.)

While I will take the politically expedient position and sit squarely on the fence about ClearPlay’s filtration system, I want to do what great entrepreneurs of this new millenium do so well… rip-off, I mean, expand on the idea. May I suggest the ‘Annoying Actor Deletion’ software? Check off all those performers you can’t stand and instantly ‘Thelma and Louise’ is just Thelma (of course leaving Brad Pitt)... or the Ben Stiller option - kill off Ben's career in your own home before his next five movies do… or the deluxe model with a Baldwin Family Filter. Truthfully, wouldn’t “The Marrying Man” be great without -- which one was it -- Zeppo? And how about a “Lovelorn Filter” for the recently scorned? Watch as a little editing turns a romantic comedy into a sob story as tragic as your life by chopping out the happy reunions. How satisfying would it be if the Pretty Woman ended ugly with Richard Gere leaving Julia Roberts to her miserable life. And imagine if something didn’t give and Diane Keaton went off with Keanu Reeves and not Jack Nicholson - wait, that’s the happier ending -- REWRITE!

by Stephanie Becker