Eye - Ya Ya

I'm thinking of getting my eyes fixed. You might be tempted to think I'm referring to plastic surgery since I've spied a couple of… shall we say 'laugh lines' around the eyes. And I'm horrified to admit there's even a deeper furrow to my brow these days. But, I gotta get real close to my mirror to see it. And this being Los Angeles, where anything over 25 years old gets a face lift (buildings, women, men, resumes) it's not a stretch to think I'd want a little surgical enhancement. Which conveniently brings me back to my point. The eye job I'm thinking about is not a little nip and tuck, I'm contemplating having the hippest new surgery: laser assisted in-situ keratomileusis - better known as "lasik" eye surgery. Thousands of the myopic masses are getting their retinas roasted and living large lense-free.
I can barely remember life without glasses. I've been called "four eyes" since third grade. My prescription looks like a long division nightmare 234/80 --although that may be my blood pressure. Every day for the last 31 years I've started out with a fuzzy focus free morning, fumbling for my misplaced spectacles. I never remember where I dropped them as I dozed off. Once I even left them in my slipper. A glasses slipper was a misstep. Maybe I need a memory transplant instead. I definitely have a glasses management problem. Eyewear also creates its own cruel category of ailments from bouncing glasses induced nausea, sweat slippage, thumbprints, 3-D movies, binoculars and the spectacle spectacle. In short, having glasses is a drag.

I'm no Mr. Magoo yet, but every year my prescription gets worse and I get a new frame and lenses. I'm also no Imelda of glasses (that title goes to Elton John) but I've had about 27 different frames courtesy of my insurance company. And they exact revenge. The frames are so far out of style you need a telescope just to see them. And my HMO only offers the most revoltingly hideous frames. Top that off with a belligerent optometrist who bullies me into some atrocious pair claiming that so and so the movie star or TV babe was seen wearing the exact same pair. I call those the "I'm-so-attractive-I-can-wear-these-ugly-glasses" glasses gals. Hey, maybe Marlee Matlin can get away with those butt ugly horn rim frames, but on me; they look like butt ugly horn rim frames. My frames have been so bad, that while I was working in a poverty-stricken war torn country, a little urchin snatched my glasses from my face, took one look at them, popped the lenses out and hurled the frame back at me. Beggars CAN be choosers.

Because I've been wearing glasses since I was nine, I've come to see myself as an eyeglass person. I rely on glasses mannerism: chewing on the tips for that pensive look; pushing them ever so slightly up the bridge of my nose to look engrossed; pulling them down and looking over my the frame to show incredulity. That was particularly difficult feat with those upside down glasses that were big in the 70s. Remember? The nose bridge was at the bottom of the lenses. Miss Piggy had a pair. Someone was on major hallucinogens to come up with those. Actually, my ex-husband was pretty fond of wearing those glasses. He said with my added astigmatism wearing those glasses was like "tripping" without the mushrooms. In hindsight, I should have dumped him then.

I'm not wearing Coke bottles yet, but put it this way, when I go to the doctor for my physical, he removes my glasses before I weigh in. That's why having a life without glasses is looking pretty good to me. I know Tiger Woods and his billion dollar eyes had the surgery, so what's the worry. Well, I'm a 'Nervous Nellie.' I did a little trolling around the web to find out what I was in for. Let me see if I got this right. First they take these teeny weenie cranes and pry open your eyelids. Then they get the world's smallest stun gun/laser beam buzz saw to slice open your eyeball. Then they scoop out the bad parts and plop your eyeball back together. Sure that's not how my doctor described it. But, hey, in the glass half-full/half empty world, my glass is cracked.

Besides, I just realized that once I have the surgery, I'll be able to see everything with 20/20 vision, all the time! That means how I really look in the morning or at the end of a long day, or when I've gained too much weight, or what other people's ugly glasses look like, or I'll even see those microscopic, well, actually kinda large laugh lines..
You know what. Maybe instead what I really need is a new pair of rose-colored glasses.

Lasik Resources:
The Lasik Institute - www.lasikinstitute.org

American Society of Cataract and Refractive Surgery - www.ascrs.org

American Academy of Ophthalmology - www.aao.org

Related articles:
BestStuff Special Report: Must See TV
Here’s Laser in Your Eye
Eye(s) of the Tiger
Slice of Life
I Can See Again!