Beautiful Losers

Poor Anna Kournikova. She can't win for losing. In case you're unfamiliar with Miss Kournikova, she's that lovely blonde tennis player, alternately known as the tennis temptress, who won sponsors hearts and endorsements with her winning potential and more to the point her top ten looks. The sponsors loved her service with a smile. But love is all she's got on the tennis court. Love in the tennis sense of the word - where love means nothing, zilch, zero, never having to say, "I won." That's right Miss Kournikova the tennis darling of global advertisers (from sneaker makers to financial planners), is falling down on her real job, winning matches. Now, her biggest sponsor, Adidas is warning her - get some order in the court or they'll take away her estimated $4 million a year in endorsement money. I suppose I should be gleeful. Having never mastered the art of smacking a fuzzy ball at any velocity over a 3 foot high net, I just can't feel sorry for someone who's seeded 69th in the world and making $58,823.53 per place below first. But, give the girl a break, she’s had a tough life. She had trouble concentrating after some rocky relationships with a couple of Russian hockey players. I know that ever since the fall of Gorbachev I've personally been a wreck. Although she seems to have bounced back with her new lover Latin crooner Enrique Iglesias. Seems he wants to play hardball with his lady's sponsors. Rumor is he's built three tennis courts at his house, hard-tru, clay and grass for his new love. So now, the ball is in her court. Win some or lose a lot.

I do feel a tad bit sorry for Miss Kournikova. With the fearsome rivalry between Adidas and Nike, it has to be a trifle embarrassing for her. Nike has a whole army of swooshy star endorsers who "Just do it" with a lot more regularity than Miss K. Adidas is so miffed, it's letting the world know that Miss Kournikova is dropping the ball. The pressure she must have to face, knowing that every missed shot, every foot fault, every unforced error could lead to her financial ruin. What happened to “it's how you play the game”? Not when they're shelling out about a million bucks per first round loss. Just think, the William sisters actually have to WIN tournaments to rake in that kind of dough.

But alas, Miss Kournikova, you are not alone. There are some other big-league beautiful losers who have actually cashed in because of their failure. Check out Bob Dole. The Bobster was humiliated at the polls against a guy who didn't know what "it" is, although he was apparently doing plenty of "it." Being a loser paid off for the Dole man big time. First he started shilling for Visa to the tune of at least half a million dollars (how’s that for a raise in credit limit!). He also became pitchman for Air France (Voila! which always sounds kinda like Shazaam! to me) and the National Fluid Milk Processors Promotion Board . He did commercials for Target and Dunkin Donuts. But his star power peaked as spokesman for Viagra. That really raised his stature from loser to winner.

If there is a Grande Dame of Beautiful Losers it has to be Soap Queen Susan Lucci. Nominated for 16 Daytime Emmy’s, she went without a single win for almost 2 decades. Going home empty-handed didn't seem to hurt her endorsement deals though, she got great paydays hawking for Microsoft, Ford and Sweet-n-Low. But in 1999 she made the fatal mistake of winning an Emmy. Her victory was bittersweet. She hasn't gotten one commercial since. In her case, taking home gold was a bad career move.

Completely opposite of the Kwan thing. As in Michelle Kwan. Because she klutzed a Lutz at the Olympics, she lost the gold to a screaming kid from Long Island. Salt Lake City may have been the unhappiest place on earth for the Olympic Gold Medal favorite, but there is a silver lining after all. Disney is forking over an "undisclosed" sum for Miss Kwan's services as a spokeswoman. "Undisclosed" is usually code for over a million bucks and that ain’t Goofy.

So, Miss Kournikova, there is hope. Stroke that ball, lift those weights, and take heart. Losing, like beauty, has its rewards.

by Stephanie Becker, Mass Distractions columnist for BestStuff.com